A Dream Turned Nightmarish
by Bloody Sock
Summary: Well isn't this just loverly and overdone? Um, yes, well somehow Diana's favorite people wind up in her living room. They don't know how they got there, she doesn't know how they got there. Will get better, scout's honor. Rated PG for one swear word.


Disclaimer: What is my name, huh? Is it Tamora Pierce? NO! Therefore I cannot possibly own Tortall or any of the characters in Tortall. I Own Nothing. Except my stuffed bunny, Sergeant Smokefur Flopear Danduff. *Cuddles bunny*  
  
Diana was sleeping in her comfy bed upstairs when she was awoken from her sleep by a large CRASH.  
  
Diana: What the hell?! Grrr. Stupid burglars. *Picks up golf club and quietly walks downstairs*  
  
She then finds nine unusual people standing in her living room. They cannot see her as she is peering from the top of the steps. A tall man with long black hair argues with a man in a crown while a woman with short hair tries to break a window with the help of red haired woman and black haired woman. Other man proceeds to stuff crystal vase into a sack and brown haired girl sits on the floor staring at Diana's dog.  
  
Diana: This can't be happening. I'm dreaming, dreaming dreaming! Haha dreaming!  
  
Other man: Ha! Here she is. *Holds dagger to Diana's throat* now kind lady if you would please tell us how we got here, where here is and the quickest direction home we would be very much indebted to you.  
  
Diana: Haha! I'm dreaming dreaming dreaming! You can't possibly be George Cooper and she's not Alanna and that's not Daine and Numair or Thayet and Jon. I'm dreaming dreaming, Hahahahaha! *Is slapped*  
  
Alanna: She's mad! We've been kidnapped by a mad mage! I knew something like this was bound to happen! It's been too quiet lately!  
  
Diana: *Has recovered from being slapped* But you're at war!  
  
Alanna: So? In case you haven't noticed we're practically always fighting someone. We're used to it. George! Stop it!  
  
George: *putting more loot into sack* Why? This is the best crystal I've seen in years! Look, not a flaw!  
  
Jon: *Gazing into mirror* I can't see a flaw here either. *Smiles at himself*  
  
Alanna: Because, George, I've told you, we don't need to steal anymore. And it's not very smart to steal things from a mage's house. Jon stop staring at yourself and do something useful!  
  
Daine: Did you know that that your dog thinks other animals are chew-toys? It's very sad really and I demand that you take action to prevent this sort of behavior in the future.  
  
Alanna: Daine! Is now really the time to launch your new animal rights campaign?  
  
Daine: Yes?  
  
Alanna: No!  
  
Daine: But all of the People deserve equal respect along with representation in our government and-  
  
Alanna: Daine! No! Now is the time to threaten the mad mage who has kidnapped us until she sends us home and- wait! Where is she!  
  
Diana: *Is hiding behind curtains in a little ball whispering to herself*  
  
Alanna: *Finds her* Aha!  
  
Jon: How did you know she would be there?  
  
Alanna: Because, George always hides behind the curtains when he knows I'm mad at him.  
  
George: Alanna!  
  
Jon: *To George* Haha! You hide from your wife?  
  
Thayet: Oh shut up Jon. You always hide under the bed.  
  
Alanna: Can we just- wait you hide under the bead? *Shakes head* And to think, you're our king. Never mind. *To Diana * Now you how did you bring us here?  
  
Diana: I didn't! I don't know how, and I'd be too scared of you! *Whimpers*  
  
Thayet: Great Mother Goddess, grow a backbone!  
  
Neal: *Walks in from kitchen* She has a point.  
  
Alanna: Where were you?  
  
Neal: Trying to find some food. I'm starving of hunger!  
  
Numair: Well, what did you find?  
  
Neal: It's amazing! There's a white box that is cold inside even though there's only a little bit of ice in it! And when you open the door a light turns on, but there's no heat coming out of it!  
  
Numair: I must see this! *They both run out to the kitchen*  
  
Diana: No! They'll break it! And I'll have to buy a new one! It costs hundreds of dollars!  
  
Alanna: Sit down and shut up!  
  
There is a big crash from the kitchen.  
  
Neal: Hey the light went out!  
  
Diana: My money!  
  
Kel: *Ties Diana's feet and arms with a piece of blanket*  
  
Daine: *Bumps into TV, turning it on. Some nature show plays*  
  
Everyone but Diana: Aaaaaaaah!  
  
Daine: There are People in there!  
  
Kel: It's another of the Nothing Man's machines!  
  
Diana: *Quietly* No it's not.  
  
Kel: Stand back! *She draws her sword and chops up the TV*  
  
Diana: My TV! Nooooooooooooooooooo!  
  
Everyone but Diana: *Applauds*  
  
Diana: Why must you break everything! I'm a poor student. Thanks to all of you I'm gonna be in debt until I'm fifty!  
  
Alanna: Shut Up! Daine, get Numair and Neal!  
  
*They all assemble in the living room*  
  
Alanna: Now, we have established that we are being held hostage in this house of horrors by this crazy mage  
  
Diana: *disbelieving look*  
  
Alanna: somewhere miles from Corus and we have no way of getting back unless she will cooperate. And so far she won't. Any ideas?  
  
Diana: Let me go!  
  
Jon: Here's an idea, gag her!  
  
Diana: *whimper*  
  
Alanna: Let me clarify. Any ideas on how to get out of here? Numair, please tell me you've figured something out!  
  
Numair: I feel no magic here. None at all.  
  
Alanna: Daine?  
  
Daine: The People are very small in number. The ones in the houses show a disturbing lack of intelligence and the ones outside are skittish.  
  
Neal: *Horrified* Where. Are. We?  
  
Diana: Hershey, Pennsylvania, United States of America ,North America, Earth.  
  
Everyone but Diana: *Blank stares*  
  
Alanna: ... Right and how do we get back to Tortall?  
  
Diana: *On the verge of tears* I wish I knew! Then you could go home and stop threatening me and breaking my stuff, which will cost a lot of money to replace.  
  
Alanna: All right I'm getting nowhere. Numair! Do that truth spell thing that you use at court to see who's been stealing Thayet's makeup.  
  
Numair: Oooh! The painful one or the other one?  
  
Alanna: The other one.  
  
Numair: *Does something that activates the truth spell* How. Do. We. Get. Home?  
  
Diana: I wish I knew! You are all very big and scary and I'm afraid of you. I cheated on my math test last Friday and stole a pack of gum from the drug store, I wasn't sick last Wednesday like I told my boss, I put food coloring in my brother's shampoo and I think Orlando Bloom is hot. *gasp*  
  
Everyone: *Strange looks*  
  
Alanna: Noooo! Now we'll be stuck here forever and I'll never see my lovely home again! *Thinks* On the other hand... I'll never have to deal with my children ever again! Woohoo! They're all yours Maude! *Dances*  
  
Numair: *grabs her by the shoulders and shakes her* Alanna get a hold of yourself! Now *To Diana * Are you a mage?  
  
Diana: No, I wish I was. I also wish I had my stuffed bunny, Sergeant Smokefur Flopear Danduff with me so I wouldn't be so afraid. Gah! Blast this accursed truth spell! *To Numair* I hate you right now, even if you are the hottest man in all of Tortall. *Hides from Daine* Please don't hurt me!  
  
Jon: You mean I'm not the hottest? Waaaaaaaaaaah! *Sobs*  
  
Diana: Actually you're about number five on the list. The list goes: Numair, Neal, Dom, Cleon, and then Jon. Or at least that's my list. *Growls at Numair angrily* Take this damn truth spell off!  
  
George: Why aren't I on that list?  
  
Diana: Because your nose is all bent and crooked like. But don't worry it isn't a list of nicest or best people, just the hottest. *Pats George's shoulder*  
  
Numair: I think for everyone's sake we should un-activate the truth spell  
  
Diana: No shit!  
  
Numair: *Un-activates truth spell* I'm not sure what that meant exactly but it sounded mean and sarcastic.  
  
Diana: Now that we've established I'm not a mad mage and am in no way holding you captive could you please UNTIE ME!  
  
Kel: But she has the Nothing Man's machines!  
  
Diana: They're not his, they're mine and they are harmless.  
  
Kel: Oh, all right then. *Unties Diana * Well if we're not hostages then ... We must be guests!  
  
R&R but no flame please! I wrote this on the spur of the moment in a caffeine-induced state of insomnia and am not responsible for the quality of it. 


End file.
